Chugging Away!

my FAST series for FFXV

Hey guys! I’m still alive! Been thinking a lot lately, probably a bit too much tbh! I am only now coming to a point in my life where I really see the benefit of having my own place away from my parents/family. The irony being im growing up in the time when more people then ever are being forced to move back home with their parents, not only because we got shit wages that havent gone up with inflation and has effectively robbed every generation after the gold standard was removed. But also the good jobs where you could just work somewhere for 40-50 years, check out with a sweet pension, those jobs are almost non existent due to the forces of capitalism and milking every cent. Anyways, I’ve kinda just been trying to take it easy, learn some new things and survive in my current situation!

I guess I make it sound pretty dramatic for a white guy living in his parents basement, its not even so much that, but i am effectively blocked from what I want to do in life,which is contribute fully to the idea of trade-free! Yes I can do that from canada in limited ways, but id be much more effective working closely and living together with people of a similar outlook on life. Dealing with people everyday, and hearing their problems, there going out to the bar again this weekend, working all week….its just uninteresting, not that you cant have a good time doing that but thats the loop these people seem to be stuck on since highschool. Surely theres other things we could do, hell other less destructive drugs we could really use to gain some connections, howabout a night out at a “trip bar” where you could just drop some mushrooms with some randoms haha jk but alcohol is honestly gotta be one of the most destructive drugs out there because aint NOONE drinking in moderation, the whole IDEA is to get fucked up!

I am definitely not a straight edge but my binge drinking days are behind me, but I derive my fun in other ways like video games with friends or being more introverted I do appreciate my alone time! Though with my massive downshift in my friend circle and romantic partner this year I am down to about 2 people I can confide in locally. Everyone just seems to be in their own little bubble, I mean im used to this as im not huge on social things, but even i am detecting that almost everyones attitude/time is shifting to this very I want to say “selfish” mode, where its you and whatever the fuck youre doing on your phone, games, social media, looking for a disposable human…. the world feels very hollow haha one might call it ” The emptiness”! Shoutout to neverending story 2! =] But is a very stong symptom of a society in pain.

I am also noticing recently that mentally I am struggling with thinking or NOT thinking obsessively over the same awful thoughts. But I’ve also noticed something…. these repeating thoughts that give me bad feelings, or make me sad whatever you want to call it…..they pretty much only come when im sitting in my room, doing nothing, unstimulated….emptiness again. I was talking to tio about this and we both agree when a persons life is FULL, when you have freinds, and love, happiness and a social circle you belong to, fuck you may as well label me immortal, because the feeling is nothing can slow you down! I know what its like to sleep 10-12-16 hours a day, still be tired, unable to sleep but have 0 motivation to get up, hell thats been lately. But I also know what it’s like to look forward to waking up, or being so excited you CANT sleep, or fucking being up for 14 hours till 2 in the morning, START DRINKING, go out for a night on the town in spain and come home at 6am where you realize you have no fucking idea how to unlock this goddamn villa door, so fuck it you sleep on the grass…..10 minutes later I just bug yoav to let me in, so he did, thx hero, go to bed and get up 4 hours later to hike 20KM to and from the castle….. thats a night and day difference between living at home and being around the most amazing people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. However I know those feelings of good times have all but faded, even though it was only a few short months ago. I remember that I was happy, but I cant feel that happiness again, theres no recall of that comforting emotion and thoughts like while i was over there “this is it”.

These things like depression, mental illness are poorly understood and defined, of course we’ve basically just begun these studies but i am now sorry I used these labels on people, even if I meant no harm because there was harm. My last girlfriend had some problems. I also had a problem, where I was trying to label and fix all of her problems because I thought “she has these symptoms, she must be this or this” knowing full well not only am I not a doctor but im suffering from some of this shit myself. there are things we can say about “depression” sure, but I dont think the average person understand really whats happening. I think back to a time before I knew that I had a panic attack at 27. I’ve been dealing with so much anxiety my whole life, I can now look back and see all the various coping behaviors I didnt realize I was even doing and then having your heart race, you start to sweat and waves of dread wash over you, I didnt know what was happening, one moment i was playing a video game the next I literally was fearing for my life because I thought I had cancer, and let me tell you once you start winding up, good luck stopping it. To have someone to describe a panic attack or anxiety to me, I think would leave me with no real understanding….but to go through it and FEEL IT and know the thoughts and the runaway ideas, the hyper-reality….o man it gets me charged up just to think about it….. now im not saying everyone should go out and have panic attacks….or hell maybe I am, because I sure as shit know I appreciated what the people suffering around me were telling me through all these years, I finally UNDERSTOOD.

Anyways its been a long few weeks, i want to do more with this website just organize it and clean it up a bit, kinda plan out the sections I want… anyways other than that I got a new studio setup spent under 100$ and got a mic arm some good white lighting and a green screen! so look forward to hopefully some creative content coming for that! very chaotic thoughts reading over my posts a perfect representation of how my life feels right now!

End of Spain Trip and Time for TRADE-FREE!

The TROM Team being always awesome!

Recently back from my time in Spain, with some serious time to reflect! My suspicions were confirmed while I spent 3 weeks with these people. It was the best goddamn 3 weeks of my life to date! Even with a missed flight, the impossibility of leaving that day and everything going to shit, I stayed in good spirits as I tried to keep my life in perspective! Thankfully I also ran into Seb and Sofie at the airport and they tried very hard to get me on that plane and tried everything they could do, people I’ve known for maybe a few months being more concerned and caring then some of my oldest “friends”! The moral support and invite out to Copenhagen was an amazing offer I will take them up on sometime!

Thankfully my mom was able to not only arrange another flight, but got it to me completely free and timely due to the unfortunate circumstance at the airport, not too mention she everything else she did for me on the trip!I stayed an extra night in a city close to the airport Sant Boi which was an expensive industrial park to stay in, but beggies cant be choosies! Once I could figure out how to actually turn on the fucking electricity for the place I was set and got some grub and looked around a bit! Not much to see but graffiti and trash, but hey it made me feel at home! =D

Anyways after that whole debacle I got to the airport 3 hours ahead of schedule so I could get groped twice by 2 different security guys, and have my belongings pulled aside and analyzed for bomb making residue, how awesome is that! I wonder what they end up doing with all those bombs they must find on a daily basis! I guess we’ll just NEVER KNOW *shrug*!

The Sweater I was wearing when security decided I was going to get some EXTRA security =]



On the flight I had the pleasure of sitting beside a girl In which we ignored each other for probably the first 6 hours of the flight, but finally when the 3rd time I turned down the airplane food because I have to eat gluten-free, she inquired further as to why. By the end of the flight we were talking about deforestation, breaking the norms of society and the dystopian future of social media today! All without knowing each others names even! I couldn’t imagine a better conversation to end on. Then reality set in and I had to continue on home and we parted ways! We will meet again I’m sure~!=]

couldn’t have asked for a better seat! =]



So continuing on to the black hole that is London, my mom informs me about the recent family drama, as we drive through the concrete jungle. The cops were almost called on my family members by other family members, a big blow up and display of dysfunction, FUN! By the end of the night when we were going through photos, I could already realize the ways my personality was shifting towards a little more closed off/protective state because of the family dynamic. Its such a weird thing to experience, especially when its so sudden and you’re yanked out of a daydream (synonymous with reality for once!) and put firmly back on the ground with what you’d normally expect from the family I have! I tried to not let it all get the best of me, and certainly had a moment I thought I was going to cry driving past all the same buildings I’d grown up with all my life and the complete “detachment” from nature in the so called “forest city”!

Pressing on in the coming days, I could hear screaming yelling upstairs, annoying animals, allergies being hit with it all at once like a wall slowly unchecking those “quality of life” boxes as I hid out in my basement! I JUST WANT PEACE, alas it seems an impossibility living amongst these people concerned with all these nothing burgers! We get news from my dad that hes finally had to go to emergency to deal with a surgery he needed YEARS ago…only to find out later that hes failed to schedule with the surgeons….. FFS….and then the DAY after that one of the cats dies. I don’t own any pets , I rarely ever have in my life for various reasons, death being one of them! Guess who ends up burying a dead cat, the guy with the least amount of connection to them! =] This was to help out my mom mostly but now I’M traumatized because of someone else’s decision to keep these things?? I literally didn’t sign up for this shit! lmao….but seriously R.I.P. Stripes =[

Anyways I can feel my energy levels dropping, the non-motivation to want to get out of bed and what I can only describe as depression slowly setting back in as the people I care to spend my time with are all separated once again, until we can figure out the next moves and what not! However something that is different. I’m able to deal with all this much more effectively, and in terms of LIFE motivation I’m 1000% ready to GO and contribute to trade-free. You’ll hopefully hear more and more about it in the coming weeks as we start planning and releasing even more trade free things / services! But for the most recent addition Trom-Jaro the linux based trade-free OS has officially been released!

Until I see you all again you will live on in the UNGODLY & GLORIOUS amount of footage I saved from the trip! =D

part of the Gang!